Jordan’s 1st November World Vegan Day vows, written hastily at 2am.

“Jen, I like being with you on World Vegan Day.  It’s our special day of the year, when we met one another, when we fell in love, when we get active to help the animals.

But I like being with you even on regular, Non-World Vegan Days too.

We often watch tv shows while eating dinner.  We’ve seen the entire run of “Malcolm in the Middle”.  In the final episode, middle son Malcolm wanted his high school graduation speech to quote a rapper.   His mother Lois, wanted him to use Paul McCartney.

Well….let’s see how well a 2006 children’s TV show applies to real life:

“Hey J<ordan>, don’t let me down

You have found her, now go and get her

Remember, to let her into your heart

Then you can start, to make it better”

The Beatles visited Germany, and McCartney actually scribbled the words “Hey Jude” on a window.  Turns out, “Jude” translates to JEW, he’d scrawled “Hey Jew” on a German window…….not the best idea, doesn’t always go down too well.  And really, Hey Jew was written for John Lennon’s son, Jules as the Lennon’s went through a divorce.  He’d been cheating on his wife with the infamous Yoko, and the song was commercialised into “Hey Jude” as we know it.

No, at my wedding, I’ll ignore Lois and quote the rapper Eminem:

“Give me two fat tabs and three shrooms

And you won’t see me like fat people in steam rooms

And when I go to hell and I’m gettin ready to leave

I’ma put air in a bag and charge people to breathe”

You know I’m an atheist who doesn’t use any drugs, tea, coffee, alcohol….LSD tabs or magic mushrooms.  Heck, you know I don’t even eat NORMAL mushrooms, gross!  I’m not sure about the invisible people in saunas, but I like the part about “I’ma put air in a bag and charge people to breath”.  It shows a capitalist trying to make the best of a bad situation, selling clean air to the damned.  American money would be paper notes or a plastic credit card.  And likewise the bag, made of paper or plastic.

Assuming such materials could withstand hell fire, that you could sell combustable oxygen in hell…..then what would you spend your profit on?  When you sell off essential natural resources, what good is money or material possessions?  Nothing, you really can’t take it with you when you die!

What’s important is our lives, the environment, the air we breath.

If I were to put something precious inside a vessel, I’d choose glass.  Glass, good enough for marooned messages to float across oceans.  Glass, for purity and a water tight seal.  Glass, sand holding together in a brittle union of molecules.  Like a marriage, glass can “break up” and shatter your life.

Were I to choose a symbolic wedding gesture, I’d form the metaphor from glass.

Speak now, or forever hold your piece –  (of glass) – does anyone have a suitable item?

<Robert reveals glass bottle>

Thank you kind sorcerer.


Now this here is a glass bottle once containing “Davis Vegetable Painkiller”.  Before we vegans consume vegetables, we anaesthetise them with….no, it’s a painkiller meant for humans and other animals.  This 1800’s guy Davis here, described himself as “crippled”, in constant pain, and yet he somehow managed to cook up an incredible painkiller that became an international best seller..  A miraculous story indeed!

These were simpler times, when you could sell such elixirs without listing ingredients.  Would have been very irritating for vegans of the day, were it not proudly marketed as VEGETABLE painkiller.  Apparently it contained opiates, perhaps some kind of morphine.  Like the Wicked Witch said, poppies will put them to sleep.  Purely plant based, absolutely no SNAKE OIL.   Vegan.

I’d like to capture this special moment.  Together, let’s seal some totally special, totally magical, totally unique World Vegan Day Wedding air inside this old glass bottle.  It’ll stay inside symbolically and perhaps physically, as this day stays within our memories.  We’ll always be able to hold onto this special day.

Jen, I know we’ll always disagree about some things.  Like, which hen friend could run the fastest.   You named Nayla Hen, meaning “beloved”.  I named Kate Hen, after Kate Sheppard, the great suffragette.  You say Nayla could run faster, I say Kate could run faster.   We won’t always agree.

I hope in those trying times, we can think of this bottle, of vegetable, vegan, painkiller.  We’ll remember how much we love one another, that we are partners.  “No one wants to be defeated, showin’ how funky strong is your fight”, but “it doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right”.

Our love is a great painkiller, that we can put aside differences on who thinks which Hen Friend is the fastest runner.   When we want to end a disagreement, we

<hold up bottle>

“shove a cork in it”.   We remember that we love one another, and that’s what matters most in life.

We’re here on the 1st of November, World Vegan Day, the day we first fell in love.  This year is 2014.  14, like Valentines Day on the 14th day of the 2nd month.  It’s the 70th anniversary of Veganism.  From this point on, it will be our wedding anniversary.  November, from the Latin “novem” meaning nine, the original ninth month of the Roman calendar.  I’m reading these vows from my cyan blue Nokia, hacked to run Android.  The model?  A Nokia N9.



With air sealed in a glass bottle as a reminder of this great day, our wedding, I hope it serves as our very own bottle of  “Love Potion Number 9”.

<Give Jen bottle to hold>

I started my vows with the last episode of Malcolm in the Middle.  I’d like to end with the last, the ninth-the glorious ninth track, of the greatest album of all time.

In the immortal words of mr Michael Jackson:

And, <Jenny>, through the years

Even when we’re old and gray

I will love you more each day

‘Cause you will always be, The Lady In My Life.

<seal cork inside bottle>